loveschildren | (no subject)

[It's fake. That intimacy doesn't mean anything, because Felid is a monster who doesn't care for anyone but himself. And Glen hates him. But he has to remind himself of that, because there's still a part of him that feels comfortable like this, and that wants, horribly, for those small motions to be real. It's a horrible pain, and it makes him sick, but as always he hides as much of that conflict as he can, taking the glass and drinking like it's no problem. It tastes good, and if he just pretends he's not doing what he's doing he can avoid the urge to vomit.]

[Felid lifts his hand and caresses Glen's face as he drinks. Another small, fond gesture. Another false intimacy but he so enjoys feeding Glen's desires like this, it gives him a thrill, and he's quite fond of Glen, in his own twisted way.]

[He leans up when Glen finishes drinking, stealing a kiss.]

You should come out more.

[He allows all of it. He hates it, but he wants it, so he lets it happen, even though he knows it's all a lie designed just to make his heart ache. He's perfectly aware of what Felid's doing to him, but he can't turn his own feelings off, so he's powerless to do anything but watch it happen.]

I don't want to. You can't pass me off as anyone but myself around those snobby fuckers, y'know. It'd just be a disaster.

[He loves Glen's awareness as much as anything, watching Glen try not to let it work because he knows better... He settles back to having his head in Glen's lap, relaxed and stretched out.]

You should get to know vampires you know. You're one now. That's never going to change.

Neither is who I am. You can take away everything else, but I won't compromise on what I care about. I'm not going to be part of this world no matter how long I live.

[He is, however, going to lean over Felid a little, making a space that's just a bit more connected, a bit closer feeling. He hardly notices he's doing it, but his body language just keeps slipping more into that of someone who's comfortable and emotionally entangled with the person he's communicating with, and all his old cold distance slowly evaporates with time.]

[He loves it, it's so exciting and thrilling to see Glen give in subconsciously to his emotions, emotions he doesn't want and can't get rid of. Felid is just... So content and enthralled with Glen's struggle and submission, it's endless entertainment.]

You'll have to eventually.

[He brushes Glen's hair back and trails his fingers down Glen's neck, just the little gestures of fondness that aren't entirely fake--he is fond of Glen, it's just that he's a monster and his fondness isn't the same as anyone with human feelings.]

Give me a kiss.

I won't.

[But he will kiss him, brief and uncomfortable, at once disgusted and craving more than a chaste peck.]

I'll work against you, as soon as I get an opportunity, and you know it.

[Thinking of that, in fact, reignites just a tiny spark of defiance. That's true. Even if he can't go home, he could help anonymously, somehow. Right? He could do something other than wallow all day. It's not like him to give up. But it's a really fragile thread of resistance. Felid's beaten hopelessness and uselessness into him quite thoroughly by now, and it's sure that cute boy in his heart is next to wiped out at this point.]

[Felid brushes his fingertips over Glen's lips when the brief kiss is over. Obviously wanting much more but not currently pursuing it. Playing romantic with Glen has been fun, and for now he's enjoying teasing him and coaxing him into soft, gentle affections, luxuriating in Glen's unwilling love.]

That might get you out of this depression.

[He sees it, that little defiance, and it's exciting, because Glen is more fun, when he's a little himself.]

It might get you in trouble with your superiors.

It'd be better than you sulking in here. I worry about you.

No you don't. You worry about getting bored.

You don't think I care about you, Glen?

You don't. You're getting off on playing with me after you messed me up from the inside. Don't think I can't see through your shit.

You make your existence sound incredibly sad when you say it that way Glen. As if there's no joy for you with me. You should learn to be happier.

[He sits up, sets the glass down and turns to straddle Glen's lap, draping on him, arms winding over his shoulders, lips brushing his jaw, hair falling everywhere, even tied back as it is.]

You could be, happy. You could be happy with me, and I would treat you as well as I do now, and you know, you love me, you thrive on your connections, denying it is just tormenting yourself.

I could never be happy with you.

[But he isn't trying to get away, the way he used to. It takes effort just to hold still, to keep himself from touching or leaning into Felid at all. He wants to. He wants to so bad it aches right down to the bone, but he knows even what he feels is twisted and forced and he doesn't want to give in to it.]

You've taken everything from me, Felid. Forcing me to care about you isn't going to make me forgive you.

You're just making yourself unhappy with this.

If it's as your plaything, I don't want to be happy. You know me better than that.

Ah... I love this part of you too.

[He kisses Glen, warm and loving.]

[He makes a protesting sound into the kiss, but it's weak, half-hearted -- he's already learned that he's better off soaking up physical affection, since he's refusing himself anything else. And Felid's right. He does thrive on connections. He's been good about feeding his body, but in this other sense he's desperately starving, crippled by loneliness and the loss of everyone he trusted to stand by him. So he ends up kissing back, needy, clenching his fingers in the front of Felid's shirt and hating himself the whole time.]

You don't love me at all.

I do, you mean so much to me. I may be a terrible person, I may be the monster you think I am, but you're an important part of my life, Glen.

[He runs his fingers through Glen's hair, murmurs soft, coaxing words against his lips. Saying things Glen doesn't want and desperately needs if they were from anyone but Felid.]

You matter to me, I need you.

[He drops his face to Felid's shoulder, needing to hold on and wanting to push away at the same time. He doesn't want to hear that from Felid. It's not true. What is true is twisted and wrong, nothing like what he actually wants and needs, and knowing it satisfies something inside of him just makes that all the worse. He'd thought the torture was bad, but this is a worse pain than anything physical could possibly do.]

Please stop.

[He cups Glen's face and brings it up to his, kissing him softly on the lips, on the jaw, fangs scraping skin in passing, just unavoidably.]

Glen.

[He whispers the name with soft, warm affection. His voice gentle and mild and amused and sinister all at once, full of layers of emotion, easy to listen to easier to believe. He sounds so much like he means it, on some level he does, Glen IS important to him.]

Glen I do need you. Don't leave me, be only mine and be happy again. I know it's been hard on you, and I'm very cruel, but I want you.

[Nonononono. No. He can't handle it at all, and retreats by shrinking back against the couch, making himself as small as he can with Felid still on top of him and pressing his hands over his ears. It's painful, and all he can think is how badly he just wants to go home.]

I'd rather see you dead.

Glen...

[He drags Glen into a kiss.]

[This one he dodges. He's trying to hunker down and shut him out, because there's no other way he knows how to respond to inescapable and overwhelming emotional trauma. He would like to not be in his own head anymore right now thanks, and over the last month this kind of episode has not been entirely uncommon.]