loveschildren | (no subject)

[He stalls a bit longer, fighting with himself until he feels like he's short-circuiting. Eventually, with a frustrated, almost agonized sound, he squeezes hard enough to crush Felid's windpipe in one violent burst. But he knows that won't kill him. And he knows he can't kill him, so at that point he just dissolves into half-crazed hyperventilating and tries to get out from under him to retreat.]

[Felid whines as his windpipe is crushed, collapsing on Glen as that genuinely, if briefly, incapacitates him. His neck is already regenerating though, in seconds he's breathing raggedly then normally, but he stays leaning on Glen, his hair, and the fact that his face is tucked against Glen's shoulder, hiding his excited, delighted smile.]

Glen...

[His voice is soft.]

Shh, it's all right.

No--

[The benefit of being transformed is that he is strong enough to shove Felid off of his lap now. He still couldn't beat him seriously, but in a situation like this he can give a good enough shove to put a little distance between them.

Of course he has nowhere to go, but he's still going to get up and try to go... somewhere. Just. Out of Felid's personal space, even if that just means stumbling til he's hit a corner and sinking to the floor, trembling. Congratulations Felid if you hadn't broken it before you have now.]

Don't touch me. Stay away from me.

[Felid lets himself be shoved, rolling onto the couch and rubbing his neck and this time he doesn't bother to hide the laughter, stretching out and rolling to his side to watch Glen, giving him his space, if only for the moment.]

You tried. Don't feel so bad about failing. Who could kill the person they love?

[His words and tone are perfectly conciliatory, like he genuinely cares about reassuring Glen. But he's smiling still.]

I hate you.

[It's true. He hates Felid even more because he loves him. Having his emotions turned around and reshaped like this is an unforgivable crime if there ever was one. He doesn't know what to do with it, and he feels like he's going to pieces inside, constantly at war with himself. And he has no reason to fake fine with Felid anymore, so he's just going to stay where he is and mutter that he hates him over and over under his breath, like if he drills it in enough it'll stick and overpower the love he doesn't want.]

[Felid slips off the couch and settles next to Glen, pulling the man into his lap and petting his hair with gentle care, murmuring soft reassurance and offering his presence to Glen--he knows full well he's the one driving Glen mad with these gestures of affection, that this is more terrorism than Glen needs. But at the same time this is exactly what Glen needs, and that's what's truly the problem, that Felid is giving it to him, the companionship and reassurance he doesn't have from anyone else now.

Don't touch me!

[He can't take it. He's sure he's going to lose himself sooner than later at this rate, and with a very, very long life in front of him that's not a good prospect at all. He'll find a way to cope. That's just how the mind works. But doing so is likely to be a matter of going insane in whatever way his mind needs to make him function, and he doesn't want that. Right now, he's clinging to his idea of who he is as tightly as he can, even knowing it's just a matter of time before it slips away from him. It could be months or years before that happens, and it'll be torture until then, but if he stays with Felid it's inevitable that Glen will have to become a completely different person.

But he'll fight it as long as he can, and part of that is refusing to give in to Felid, even though he wants and needs that comfort desperately. He'll starve himself, because what he really needs isn't in this place.]

I don't need you.

You do need me. Even if you can't admit it.

[He pets Glen's hair, ignoring Glen's defensiveness, enjoying watching Glen unable to take the kindness and unable to pull away from what he thirsts for.]

I'm not going anywhere, don't worry.

[He shoves Felid's hands, trying to squirm away from him again.]

You can go to hell for all I care. What I need is somewhere else.

[Another place. Other people. He wants to see them. But he can't, and there's a part of him that's starting to buckle under the weight of that loneliness.]

[Holds Glen, his grip ummovable.]

You can't have that anymore, Glen.

That doesn't mean you're good enough to replace it.

Perhaps, but I'm what you have.

I'd rather have nothing.

[He leans down, intimate, and kisses Glen's forehead.]

You'd die. And I won't let you do that.

[He flinches, flushing in annoyance, embarrassment, and affection all at once.]

You can't stop me forever.

[He pets Glen's face, giving him all the affection he's starved for.]

I can stop you for now. You're working yourself up. Just relax and give in for a while, you can go back to brooding about things after you've indulged at least, it'll be plenty of ammunition for a good sulk.

[Felid's right about that much. He is working himself up. And he would use giving in to beat himself up more later. But that doesn't mean he should just do it. Then again, he's already learned there's no getting out of it, so maybe if he does give in Felid will go away faster.]

You're the one that won't shut up. I can't love you when you're talking.

A relationship can't work without communication, my dear. It's important that we're open with each other.

[He kisses Glen again, soft and warm and nothing like the violence Glen used to get.]

We're not in a relationship. I never agreed to that.

[He's protesting, but it's a half-hearted mumble against Felid's lips, and he's leaning into him now, just a little. He can't escape this. He can't get away from Felid or this place, the position Felid's put him in or the feelings Felid's programmed into him. So he may as well at least try not to drive himself insane quite so quickly.]

Ah.

[Felid's breath is warm against Glen's lips and he still tastes very faintly of blood. His tone is ever so gentle and polite as he speaks, still barely brushing his lips over Glen's with the words.]

Will you let me court you Glen? I would very much like to have your consent to a relationship.

[Not because he cares about Glen's consent, but because it's fun to do this to Glen, to act like her cares, to give Glen things that are close to pleasant.]

You can try to woo me all you want, but I won't give in to you that much.

[He will, however, give in enough to touch Felid's face, sliding his hands over his cheeks and up into his hair. It's soft. It makes his chest warm to feel it, to thread his fingers through that silky mane and imagine, somewhere deep down, that this is a person who really loves him and who is his to love back.

If only. Maybe in some other reality Felid's not a piece of shit, or Glen isn't cursed with a conscience, and it would work out. But this isn't that reality.]

Then pretend for a while, if only to feel less lonely.

[Felid leans into the touch, cuddly and more than a little affectionate. It'd be easy to accept that really, if Glen weren't so stubborn.]

[He's made of stubbornness, sadly. But he can pretend, wrapping his arms around Felid's neck and resting his forehead against his. It's not that different from all the years he spent insisting that it was fine to give himself up, as long as it was his choice. This is just another form of selling himself for his own gain. Right? Right. If he closes his eyes he can tell himself he's just coping. Biding his time. He just needs to keep himself together til he gets a chance to get away.]

Please stop talking about it for now. I have to work up to that much bullshitting.

As you wish, Glen dear.

[He strokes his fingers through Glen's hair, perfectly content with Glen's response, wrapping his arms around the man and letting this cute little scene continue without further comment to ruin it.]

[He stays there, quiet, not looking, and lets himself drift again, mentally. He tries to imagine it's somewhere else and something else, and gradually he relaxes. It's fine. This is fine. He's just letting himself feel good, indulging in the touch and the smell and the presence of someone he loves. For the moment he can edit out the fact that it's also someone he loathes, and kiss him gently.]