loveschildren | (no subject)

So are you. If you want to fuck that's fine, but I'm not going to accept loving you.

I like you loving me. It makes me happy to have someone at my side like you. It's... new.

I don't want you to be happy. I want you to die suffering.

I know. Honestly Glen. I'm not exactly surrounded by friends either. We're both essential alone here, can't we enjoy each other's company?

Maybe you'd have more friends if you weren't the type to piss off everyone around you. Do your fellow socialites know who I am? Do you think they'll believe my allegiance is anywhere but with my own people?

Do you plan to expose us then?

I'm saying if they already know it's no wonder they think you're annoying. But if "exposing us" is a risk then sure, I will.

[He has a death wish what do you think he'll do?]

Really Glen don't be dull. I don't play the court game that badly. Even if you stood on the roof and shouted the superiority of humans the worst you'd get me is a headache from the council. Go ahead, if you want to, maybe you'll make friends with the livestock.

You could visit them if you like, the humans who make our meals.

[That catches his interest for a moment. But he shoves it down -- he can't help anyone. He knows that. And would they even accept it from him as he is now, if he tried?]

I'd rather not waste my time.

You've given up but you won't give in to me... Honestly.

[He shoves Glen lightly back against the couch.]

Look at me Glen.

[He obediently makes eye contact, giving Felid the most openly hateful stare he can manage. It's hard, when that face makes his heart break. But the anger and fear and resentment that it inspires aren't gone, so he can still summon them up. It's just a terrible contrast.]

[He takes Glen's hands in his and puts them around his own neck, holding his hands lightly.]

If you really, truly want to kill me, go for it. My sword's in reach even.

[Oh.

He didn't expect that. And he didn't expect his own reaction to it. Murderous intent is there in droves, and thrill at the idea of getting the hell away from Felid, finally, for good. But along with that comes terror, at the idea of losing him and at the thought of being the one to do it. He wants him gone. He wants to get away from him. But presented with the opportunity to do it, his hands shake and his face pales, and his heart races in both excitement and horror.

It's a bit too much from different angles. He's not stable enough for it right now, so his breathing becomes shallow and sharp, his thoughts losing coherency in the face of the emotional war between blackest hate and complete infatuation.

In the end though, he clamps down, not as hard as he could, but plenty enough to be nasty. It's just that he knows he won't have the strength to reach for that sword no matter what.]

[It's a thrill, watching Glen's face as he wars with hate and love and his own inability to follow through on what he wants. Felid brushes his fingers over Glen's cheek, tender and gentle as Glen's hands squeeze his neck, making him catch his breath and lean into the rough hold.]

[But not stopping him.]

[Not pulling at his hands, not struggling, as docile as promised.]

Mm... You're hesitating.

[He stalls a bit longer, fighting with himself until he feels like he's short-circuiting. Eventually, with a frustrated, almost agonized sound, he squeezes hard enough to crush Felid's windpipe in one violent burst. But he knows that won't kill him. And he knows he can't kill him, so at that point he just dissolves into half-crazed hyperventilating and tries to get out from under him to retreat.]

[Felid whines as his windpipe is crushed, collapsing on Glen as that genuinely, if briefly, incapacitates him. His neck is already regenerating though, in seconds he's breathing raggedly then normally, but he stays leaning on Glen, his hair, and the fact that his face is tucked against Glen's shoulder, hiding his excited, delighted smile.]

Glen...

[His voice is soft.]

Shh, it's all right.

No--

[The benefit of being transformed is that he is strong enough to shove Felid off of his lap now. He still couldn't beat him seriously, but in a situation like this he can give a good enough shove to put a little distance between them.

Of course he has nowhere to go, but he's still going to get up and try to go... somewhere. Just. Out of Felid's personal space, even if that just means stumbling til he's hit a corner and sinking to the floor, trembling. Congratulations Felid if you hadn't broken it before you have now.]

Don't touch me. Stay away from me.

[Felid lets himself be shoved, rolling onto the couch and rubbing his neck and this time he doesn't bother to hide the laughter, stretching out and rolling to his side to watch Glen, giving him his space, if only for the moment.]

You tried. Don't feel so bad about failing. Who could kill the person they love?

[His words and tone are perfectly conciliatory, like he genuinely cares about reassuring Glen. But he's smiling still.]

I hate you.

[It's true. He hates Felid even more because he loves him. Having his emotions turned around and reshaped like this is an unforgivable crime if there ever was one. He doesn't know what to do with it, and he feels like he's going to pieces inside, constantly at war with himself. And he has no reason to fake fine with Felid anymore, so he's just going to stay where he is and mutter that he hates him over and over under his breath, like if he drills it in enough it'll stick and overpower the love he doesn't want.]

[Felid slips off the couch and settles next to Glen, pulling the man into his lap and petting his hair with gentle care, murmuring soft reassurance and offering his presence to Glen--he knows full well he's the one driving Glen mad with these gestures of affection, that this is more terrorism than Glen needs. But at the same time this is exactly what Glen needs, and that's what's truly the problem, that Felid is giving it to him, the companionship and reassurance he doesn't have from anyone else now.

Don't touch me!

[He can't take it. He's sure he's going to lose himself sooner than later at this rate, and with a very, very long life in front of him that's not a good prospect at all. He'll find a way to cope. That's just how the mind works. But doing so is likely to be a matter of going insane in whatever way his mind needs to make him function, and he doesn't want that. Right now, he's clinging to his idea of who he is as tightly as he can, even knowing it's just a matter of time before it slips away from him. It could be months or years before that happens, and it'll be torture until then, but if he stays with Felid it's inevitable that Glen will have to become a completely different person.

But he'll fight it as long as he can, and part of that is refusing to give in to Felid, even though he wants and needs that comfort desperately. He'll starve himself, because what he really needs isn't in this place.]

I don't need you.

You do need me. Even if you can't admit it.

[He pets Glen's hair, ignoring Glen's defensiveness, enjoying watching Glen unable to take the kindness and unable to pull away from what he thirsts for.]

I'm not going anywhere, don't worry.

[He shoves Felid's hands, trying to squirm away from him again.]

You can go to hell for all I care. What I need is somewhere else.

[Another place. Other people. He wants to see them. But he can't, and there's a part of him that's starting to buckle under the weight of that loneliness.]

[Holds Glen, his grip ummovable.]

You can't have that anymore, Glen.

That doesn't mean you're good enough to replace it.