loveschildren | (no subject)

[The only thing Glen's really wanted since they've come back is to die. He feels hollowed out, all the defining parts of him carved from his chest and replaced with foreign, unpleasant and unwanted feelings. He hates Felid. He hates him more than he thought it was possible to hate anything. But at the same time, ever since that, he can't deny the aching need to be with him, the fear of being left alone, the warmth when he receives "affection" that's usually violent and always degrading. It doesn't feel like him, and his mind denies it, but he can't remove that alteration to his heart no matter how much he wants to. And he can't remove the alteration to his body, either -- he won't let himself fall so far as to become a demon, but the knowledge that his humanity has been stolen from him hammers at him constantly, with every little sensation that feels so different in a changed form.

He can't have anything back. All of his hopes and dreams are gone. He's been twisted into a sick parody of himself and all his "family" and "friends" can't reach him anymore.

But it's very hard to commit suicide as a vampire, and Felid won't let him besides. So after a couple of weeks he's given up and has simply become listless, hiding away in the disgustingly decadent room he's been provided and chasing his thoughts around a mind that seems absurdly empty with only him in it. He's pretty sure he's lost his grip on any sanity that was left before he hid in himself that time. But it doesn't really matter when he's alone with himself and Felid, and he still adamantly refuses to have anything to do with the rest of the city or any possible attempts to get him to be part of society (and especially part of the anti-human efforts).

It's fine. If he can't disappear, he'll sit here and rot.]

What do you want now?

[When Felid comes in, he is, as usual, curled up on the day bed at the window, playing at reading but really just staring out into nothing. He'll miss hours like that, lost in his own head rather than interacting with his current reality.]

[It's been so nice watching Glen devolve in on himself, but still fail to give up entirely. Suicidal as Glen is, he's already accepted he can't die without Felid's permission, and that, that's a euphoric sort of power. Felid kicks off his boots and stretches. Lounging and happy.]

I want to be with you of course.

[He smiles, gentle and friendly. As if it were perfectly natural to seek Glen's company for the sheer pleasure of it. And it is a pleasure, to be with Glen like this.]

When is the last time you ate?

[That smile makes him flush, now, a flutter rising in his chest, so he looks away, setting his book down and curling up more tightly. He's given up on trying to escape, and he's given up on trying to be strong. It doesn't matter anymore. Felid can see him look a wreck all he wants.]

Whenever you last brought me something, obviously. I don't keep track.

[It's such a wonderful reaction, and he pats the couch beside him, obviously wanting Glen to come to him and join him.]

You need to take better care of yourself than that, Glen.

As long as I'm not starving, I don't care.

[Nnnope he's not looking at him, he doesn't have to acknowledge that motion. He likes his little sulking nest and doesn't want to leave it.]

Come here Glen.

I don't feel like it.

Do you want me to come to you?

[UGGGgggghhh he groans, reluctantly dragging himself from his pile of pillows.]

No.

[He doesn't want to deal with Felid at all, but Felid already knows that so there's no point in telling him so. And he'd rather go over there than get Felid-smell all over his favorite spot, so he does, grudgingly, come over and plop down heavily on the other side of the couch.]

You're such a pain.

That's too far.

[Felid sighs and flops over sideways, careful of the blood, and lays his head in Glen's lap, making himself perfectly at home. Not the least concerned Glen will attack him at this point. He smiles fondly up at Glen, offering the glass he's been drinking from, a small intimacy that's much more telling then his gross, over-exaggerated, deliberate gestures.]

Have some, you must be thirsty.

[It's fake. That intimacy doesn't mean anything, because Felid is a monster who doesn't care for anyone but himself. And Glen hates him. But he has to remind himself of that, because there's still a part of him that feels comfortable like this, and that wants, horribly, for those small motions to be real. It's a horrible pain, and it makes him sick, but as always he hides as much of that conflict as he can, taking the glass and drinking like it's no problem. It tastes good, and if he just pretends he's not doing what he's doing he can avoid the urge to vomit.]

[Felid lifts his hand and caresses Glen's face as he drinks. Another small, fond gesture. Another false intimacy but he so enjoys feeding Glen's desires like this, it gives him a thrill, and he's quite fond of Glen, in his own twisted way.]

[He leans up when Glen finishes drinking, stealing a kiss.]

You should come out more.

[He allows all of it. He hates it, but he wants it, so he lets it happen, even though he knows it's all a lie designed just to make his heart ache. He's perfectly aware of what Felid's doing to him, but he can't turn his own feelings off, so he's powerless to do anything but watch it happen.]

I don't want to. You can't pass me off as anyone but myself around those snobby fuckers, y'know. It'd just be a disaster.

[He loves Glen's awareness as much as anything, watching Glen try not to let it work because he knows better... He settles back to having his head in Glen's lap, relaxed and stretched out.]

You should get to know vampires you know. You're one now. That's never going to change.

Neither is who I am. You can take away everything else, but I won't compromise on what I care about. I'm not going to be part of this world no matter how long I live.

[He is, however, going to lean over Felid a little, making a space that's just a bit more connected, a bit closer feeling. He hardly notices he's doing it, but his body language just keeps slipping more into that of someone who's comfortable and emotionally entangled with the person he's communicating with, and all his old cold distance slowly evaporates with time.]

[He loves it, it's so exciting and thrilling to see Glen give in subconsciously to his emotions, emotions he doesn't want and can't get rid of. Felid is just... So content and enthralled with Glen's struggle and submission, it's endless entertainment.]

You'll have to eventually.

[He brushes Glen's hair back and trails his fingers down Glen's neck, just the little gestures of fondness that aren't entirely fake--he is fond of Glen, it's just that he's a monster and his fondness isn't the same as anyone with human feelings.]

Give me a kiss.

I won't.

[But he will kiss him, brief and uncomfortable, at once disgusted and craving more than a chaste peck.]

I'll work against you, as soon as I get an opportunity, and you know it.

[Thinking of that, in fact, reignites just a tiny spark of defiance. That's true. Even if he can't go home, he could help anonymously, somehow. Right? He could do something other than wallow all day. It's not like him to give up. But it's a really fragile thread of resistance. Felid's beaten hopelessness and uselessness into him quite thoroughly by now, and it's sure that cute boy in his heart is next to wiped out at this point.]

[Felid brushes his fingertips over Glen's lips when the brief kiss is over. Obviously wanting much more but not currently pursuing it. Playing romantic with Glen has been fun, and for now he's enjoying teasing him and coaxing him into soft, gentle affections, luxuriating in Glen's unwilling love.]

That might get you out of this depression.

[He sees it, that little defiance, and it's exciting, because Glen is more fun, when he's a little himself.]

It might get you in trouble with your superiors.

It'd be better than you sulking in here. I worry about you.

No you don't. You worry about getting bored.

You don't think I care about you, Glen?

You don't. You're getting off on playing with me after you messed me up from the inside. Don't think I can't see through your shit.

You make your existence sound incredibly sad when you say it that way Glen. As if there's no joy for you with me. You should learn to be happier.

[He sits up, sets the glass down and turns to straddle Glen's lap, draping on him, arms winding over his shoulders, lips brushing his jaw, hair falling everywhere, even tied back as it is.]

You could be, happy. You could be happy with me, and I would treat you as well as I do now, and you know, you love me, you thrive on your connections, denying it is just tormenting yourself.

I could never be happy with you.

[But he isn't trying to get away, the way he used to. It takes effort just to hold still, to keep himself from touching or leaning into Felid at all. He wants to. He wants to so bad it aches right down to the bone, but he knows even what he feels is twisted and forced and he doesn't want to give in to it.]

You've taken everything from me, Felid. Forcing me to care about you isn't going to make me forgive you.