loveschildren | (no subject)

I'd hoped you'd find happiness with your goals.

My goals weren't about my happiness. I didn't expect to be happy at the end.

...Anyway, happiness is more complicated than that. It's not something to just grant yourself. If you even could.

I don't see why it shouldn't be that simple. You run the world, Glen.

There's been plenty of unhappy rulers in history, Felid.

Why not do things to benefit your happiness though? You've done enough for the people, do some for yourself. What will anyone do, hate you? Try to depose you? You can't be beaten anyway, you might as well enjoy yourself.

[God he really is Felid. That never changes and will never change, and it leaves Glen unsettled, constantly nervous of if and when it'll cross the line to real trouble. He glances at him a moment, quiet, then shoves his hands in his pockets and sighs.]

Happiness doesn't work that way. There's nothing I want that I could use my power to take, and if I tried I'd only make myself more unhappy.

[He reaches over and fluffs Glen's hair, obviously fond.]

Well what is it you want?

[Old Felid was fond too. Glen leans away from that with a grumble, trying to remind himself that it's most definitely a different kind of fondness this time. He can tell that much. He's smarter about that kind of thing these days, slightly.]

Don't worry about it. I'm fine enough.

But I am worried.

[Both Felid's obviously want in Glen's pants too but at least this one is polite and accepts rejection.]

And I'm fine. I have everything I really need.

Except lasting happiness.

I have happy times. I have things and people I care about. That's better than a lot of people. I'm not asking for more than that.

You should ask for more. In fact, you should demand it.

Didn't I already say that's not how it works?

[He snaps a little, unnerved by the edge in Felid's voice. He doesn't want to encourage that kind of thinking. If he can help it at all, he wants to train this version of him into different values. Because if he doesn't, at least a little, their relationship is bound to end painfully.]

Again, I don't see why. Look around, some people adore you, others hate, but they all fear you. The people you love don't look at you that way, but even with them you're on guard, and with me all the more. You never relax. You enjoy yourself, sometimes, but there's always a piece of you held back.

Maybe that's just how I am. Not all of us can be carefree and self-centered.

Maybe losing your memories would have benefited you more than I.

Being willing to abuse power isn't a good trait, Felid. I want you to rethink that sentiment.

Would being happy be such an abuse, Glen?

Saying things like demanding what you want regardless of being hated is abuse of power, no matter what it might get you personally.

You're already hated, I'm just saying you might as well be happy.

...You really don't get it at all.

[And honestly repeatedly being reminded that he's hated and feared is painful. All this time he blamed the circumstances of his birth for the loathing that was thrown at him. But now he's on top of the world -- no one can challenge him, no one would dare to throw soda bottles at him now, or call him or his friends and family garbage -- and he feels just as alienated and despised as ever. But he can't expect Felid to grasp that kind of feeling when he can't even grasp the concept of not trampling on others, so he just shuts it off and walks on ahead, clearly done with the discussion.]

No. I suppose not.

[He follows, and at least it seems his own mood is dampened by Glen's. If he were his old self he'd laugh and enjoy Glen's pain but now it actually does trouble him. He may not particularly understand Glen's position, but he does genuinely want Glen to be happy. Which is downright weird.]

[It is weird. Glen doesn't know what to do with it. How is Felid capable of actual attachment but so incapable of understanding basic compassion? It's... odd. But Felid's an odd person, and Glen's odd in plenty of ways himself. Just not generally ways that involve the sort of awful cruelty that Felid's prone to left to develop on his own. Glen would like to turn that nicer bit of Felid's personality into a bigger influence on the whole, but at the moment he kind of just wants to go home, so he's heading back that way. Screw going out, unless he's dragged out more. He wants to hole up in his office and not come out until he passes out.]

Are you heading back already?

[He wants to stay out. He's so damnably bored and people are so much more interesting up close.]